Your browser (Internet Explorer 6) is out of date. It has known security flaws and may not display all features of this and other websites. Learn how to update your browser.
X

Archive for February, 2017

Post

Sex is all I’m good for. 5th grade told me so.

I peaked in fifth grade. That was my year to shine. All the boys liked me that year, because I undid the bottom buttons of my burnt sienna top, then tied the corners in a knot over my belly button.

I loved that top. It had gold threads woven through it in a tic-tac-toe pattern. It was made to go to the disco. I was sitting at my desk playing with it one day before lunch, undoing and redoing the buttons, when I got the idea to tie the edges in a knot, like the dancers on Soul Train.

Then Mr. Scheer called lunch so I stood up. And Steve O’Connell looked at me, then Jeffrey Frohan did, then Keith O’Grady and Nick Dimitris did, and I understood what I’d been searching for my whole life: that feeling. It was the opposite of someone looking at me with annoyance, a feeling I knew in my bones. It was someone looking at me like…like they liked me. Sweet-sweet-better-than-candy-bars rush, they liked me.

I’d never had that feeling before. Nobody liked me. But suddenly the cutest boys in fifth grade did, because I showed my belly. Nobody had to tell me that’s why. I just knew.

My disco shirt was my new good luck charm. I started wearing it three times a week. Next thing you know, Jeffrey Frohan was serenading me in the lunchroom with that top 40 song, “Take Your Time—Do It Right.” Everyone watched really closely, especially the girls who always said they had too many for hopscotch, that I should go hopscotch by myself.

Everyone was sitting down except Jeffrey, who was standing right next to me, singing. About doing it. To me. I felt like Miss America. Nobody had to tell me this meant Jeffrey was my boyfriend now. I just knew.

The day Jeffrey came over my house was the first day I walked right up my driveway, no shame. Who was gonna laugh at my shitty house? Who was gonna make mooing noises at my back? Nobody was, because I had a boyfriend with me.

My mother smiled and made us ice cream cones, a bigger miracle than Jesus pushing that boulder aside and rising from the dead. My mother was a snapper and a spanker, not a smiler and a scooper. But a boy was at the house. A boy changed everything.

For one glorious week, I was popular. I was Jeffrey’s, so I was worth something. At recess I had a place to sit: on the sidelines of the kickball game, in my burnt sienna shirt, calling out, “Go, Jeffrey!” when he caught or kicked the ball.

But then he invited me to his house. And told his mom we were gonna do homework. And his mom let us go to his room. And close the door. Jeffrey put on a tape of the Do It song, but I didn’t feel like Miss America anymore, when there was no crowd to watch him sing to me.

I backed away from him in a horseshoe shape, shuffling my butt along the carpet, following the edge of his bed. The more he sang, the closer in he leaned. Finally, I shuffled my back up to the wall. When he leaned in, I had nowhere to lean back. His lips were a “do it” away from mine.

And I said, “No.”

Jeffrey got up and clicked the song off. He opened the door to his room and walked out. When I got downstairs his mom said, “You don’t feel good, Cyndy? I’ll take you home.”

The next day at school, there was no open spot at the lunch table. The boys didn’t get out the kickball. I had to play hopscotch alone.

Somebody should have told me that “No” ruins everything. I never knew.

Post

Kid, bye.

Have you ever felt like your parents wanted to get rid of you?

My mother got rid of me, but good. I had just turned 14 when she locked me up in a warehouse. Straight Inc., the place was called. I was trapped there for 16 months.

Her husband had been beating me up. I guess she got sick of my screams.

Straight billed itself as a drug rehab for kids. The weird thing was, out of of the hundreds of us in there, like three of us had done more than drink a beer, smoke a joint.

But to Straight, every teen was a druggie. At least, every teen whose parent had a checkbook and a desire to disappear them….

My mother told me she was taking me to a boarding school. Picturing green lawns and window seats, I got in the car. I let her and her husband drive me across six states.

But then I stepped into the Straight building, and everything felt wrong. Like carnival music played backwards. The few kids I saw had shirts tucked in, robot eyes. The adults had clenched jaws and clipboards.

I was a strong kid, a loud kid. I was used to being able to at least fight back.

There was no fighting back at Straight.

My mother said goodbye; said she was leaving me there. I tried to bum rush her. Seven people–three girls, four guys–grabbed my arms, my legs, my Levi’s waistband. They held tight.

When I tried to scream, they clamped hands over my mouth. When I tried to bite, it felt like they’d stolen my teeth.

I learned quick that I couldn’t use my teeth at Straight. Or my screams. Or my fight. All I could do was tell those hundreds of kids, “My mother was right. I am a drug addict.” All I could do was lie, and swear it was the truth.

Post

Is it me? Is it you?

I lived the nightmare.

When I was a kid, my mother and her husband abused the fuck outta me.

At 12, I hit puberty and started fighting back.

At 13, I ran away and was homeless.

At 14, my mother locked me up in a “troubled teen” program, Straight Inc., that’s been called “a concentration camp for throwaway teens.”

I was trapped there for 16 months, being abused in ways you can’t even imagine. I saw a lot of blood. I heard a lot of bodies, breaking. I wasn’t allowed to scream. I wasn’t allowed to move.

When I got out, I wanted to kill myself, quickly.

Instead I did it slowly, by having mean sex with guys who hated me.

I started my life with other people abusing me. Then I learned to do it for myself.

Today, thanks to a lot of therapy and a decision to spend my life helping kids like me, I’m way better. Today, my life is almost perfect.

This is a blog about me, but maybe it’s also about you.

There are so many of us who have been hurt by people with power and control.

In my blog, in my books, I describe what hurt me, and how I survived.

If you’ve been hurt, and you want to know how to survive, come on. Get reading.